How Dyeing My Hair Rebuilt My Confidence
I sit in the salon chair while my friend and hair stylist Emily rifles through the mop of curls on my head, tilting her head and pursing her lips.
“What do you want to do today?” she asks.
“I don’t know,” I say. “What do you want to do?”
Most of my appointments start like this. It’s how I’ve ended up with a spectrum of bright hair colors over the last couple of years, never the same one two or three months in a row — colors I once was terrified to try.
Confidence was never really my thing. I spent my teen years feeling awkward and out of place — as a child, I’d been outspoken and unashamedly myself, but puberty brought feelings of uncertainty and a consideration for others’ opinions I didn’t have before. Suddenly, I was afraid to stand out, to draw any attention to myself. Outside of my Catholic-school uniform, my clothing preferences were casual, mostly band t-shirts and jeans, and while I loved them, they were their own kind of uniform. I was afraid to express myself, to do something different. Nothing short or tight. Nothing bold or interesting. Nothing that would draw attention to myself.
I carried that insecurity into adulthood and watched as the trend of bright hair filled my Instagram feed, from other clients of Emily’s to looks other friends were trying — pastel pink and purple pixie cuts and long, curly multi-colored mermaid styles. The colors made people stand out in a way that intimidated me. I admired their courage, thinking, “I wish I could pull that off.”
I was already in love with the easy, drastic change to my appearance I could get from hair dye and the colors I had tried over the years, from a summer spent in the sun that brought me close to my blonde childhood to deep shades of red that were a fun, exciting change from my current natural light brown.
Itching for a hair change, I found myself drawn to those bright but scary Insta-worthy hues, but I wasn’t quite ready. The first time I sat in Emily’s chair and said I wanted to start playing, we went with a deep, dark pink bright enough to be noticeably outside the spectrum of natural hair but still with a little subtlety, enough to feel like I hadn’t done something too dramatic.
I loved it.
Like my previous colors, I loved the change. And I loved looking in the mirror and not just seeing something different but something unconventional and unexpected, now exciting and empowering when it had been terrifying before. I wasn’t afraid of going out into the world as I wanted, presenting myself in a way that made me feel like me. This was a leap into a realm of fearlessness, of shedding the weight of others’ opinions, of truly not giving a fuck.
The change was addicting. I was ready to go bolder at my next appointment — this time, a brighter pink. I went into the next few appointments with a plan, knowing what color I wanted and intending to stick with it for a little while, but now I let Emily’s creativity decide. Some days, I have no idea what color I’m getting until the dye is in my hair. We’ve done pink, purple, and combinations of different bright colors, like green with bright-pink tips or neons throughout. My shower has become a rainbow of color-depositing conditioners for upkeep.
“This is my favorite thing we’ve ever done,” I say often, most recently after she combined dark blues and purples with bright pinks and oranges to create a sunset-y vibe.
Other clients watch, ask what color I’m getting, and say, “I wish I could pull that off,” like I once did.
“Just do it,” I tell them.
Pulling it off is a myth. Bright hair or other bold style trends aren’t limited to a certain type of person. The secret is confidence. Dye your hair, wear that outfit, do your makeup as boldly as you want and go into the world unapologetically.
“Fuck it,” I say now when I sit it Emily’s chair, listening to her ideas. “Let’s do it.”
